Pandemic Integrity Is My Love Language

I want to tell you what this pandemic is doing to my heart.

Not my mind, my body, or my soul.

My heart.

But first, a little background.

I contracted Covid-19 in March of 2020 and it almost took my life. Before that, I was an able-bodied, yoga-practicing vegetarian who never smoked and had no pre-existing conditions. The severity of my initial illness left an imprint on my physical and emotional body that has spilled over into every inch of my life. Needless to say, after battling long Covid for over two years, everything is different now.

You can read more about my journey here.

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Today, I want to talk about another aspect of this pandemic. And this aspect is almost more complicated and more elusive than long Covid.

I’ve lost respect for so many people I love.

That’s a huge problem.

Years ago, my grandmother told me that I am not an easy person to know. She delivered that sentence with her classic New York Jewish accent while wearing rose-tinted sunglasses and a classic Burberry headscarf. I felt like I was in the process of getting roasted by Anna Wintour.

I also knew that she meant it as a compliment.

My grandmother went on to explain that I watch the people I love very closely. I look to see if they are behaving with integrity. The way they treat their loved ones and behave within their communities matters to me. Perhaps there are people who can stand by while their friends and family make ethically questionable decisions. I have never been one of those people.

When I love someone, I also need to be able to respect that person. Over time, that’s become a prerequisite for remaining in my life. It’s built into the fabric of who I am. Don’t confuse this statement with a belief that I’m asking for perfection. Believe me, I am not.

I’m asking for integrity, and that’s very different. I want to love people who know how to take responsibility. People who are open to change and growth. People who are willing to consider the consequences of their actions, especially when their actions create harm in my life and in the world.

Anytime someone close to me refuses to participate in this kind of dialogue, my heart slowly backs away.

My integrity prerequisite has certainly intensified during this pandemic. In many ways, that’s not by choice. I can’t afford to be reinfected with a virus that almost killed me the first time. And since the government has given up on pandemic integrity, the burden now falls on every individual to do the right thing. This is certainly not the answer to a systemic problem.

However, it’s also not an excuse.

When someone I love acts in a way that endangers the lives of other people, I experience each micro-aggression directly as a heartbreak. It’s not possible for me to move past these ruptures unless the other person is open to being called-in. Unfortunately, some of my closest relationships have eroded this way.

But, there have also been beacons of light.

I have an able-bodied friend who recently attended a large, indoor wedding where she and her partner were among the only people who chose to wear masks. My friend was taunted and ridiculed by most of the guests, and yet, she defended her decision for the entire evening.

And, I have another able-bodied friend who has been separated from her husband for the entirety of the pandemic because they live in different countries and they both refuse to get on a plane. Not only that, I watch her repeatedly challenge her loved ones every time someone slips up and acts recklessly. And each time, I know she is also standing up for me.

My heart echoes a resounding yes when I think about these friends. I know that’s because they are out there doing the right thing because it’s right. They have sacrificed some of their own personal desires in order to protect us all during a global pandemic. That is true community care.

And, of course, there are my fellow autoimmune warriors. I have grown so close to other long haulers during this time, and those connections are truly unparalleled. There’s just one problem: every time we vent to each other about the troubling behavior of our able-bodied kin, we perpetuate the phenomenon that marginalized groups can only establish true safety within our own communities.

That’s a bandaid for a larger problem. It’s also why I chose to write this piece.

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Integrity isn’t simply a nice value: It’s an essential part of surviving this pandemic. Let me break that down. The root of integrity is integration. The whole is equal to the sum of its parts. When we make decisions with everyone in mind, we are acting with integrity. When we make decisions that prioritize our own interests, we continue to marginalize everyone else. That’s not how we win this war.

Here’s the good news: Pandemic integrity is born out of the small moments.

I recently went on a date with someone who offered to take a rapid test before meeting me at a park.

And, I’ve been getting to know a new friend over zoom even though she lives fifteen minutes from me. That was her idea. It almost made me cry.

As I think about why these instances matter so much to me, I can’t help but return to the words that my grandmother first spoke. At the time, she was afraid that I might not be able to remain in my family if my family members continued to act in ways that I didn’t respect.

Ultimately, she was right.

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During this time, my heart has led me away from a lot of people. And, my heart has guided me toward people who feel grounded in the current reality we are facing. It’s become essential for me to surround myself with those people.

When I think about everyone who has made it their priority to protect my body, I feel loved. I feel like I can show up whole in those relationships. And that makes me feel safe during an era where safety has often felt elusive. So, this is my love letter to all of you who are out there doing the right thing because it’s right.

It matters.