I’m Not a Long-Hauler, I’m Healing.
I haven’t been very nice to my body. That’s the cold, hard truth. Every morning when my alarm goes off, I wake up to the familiar sound of negative self-talk and unrealistic expectations:
Why am I still sick with Covid-19? I’m not trying hard enough to get better. Maybe there’s something inherently wrong with my body. Maybe there’s something inherently wrong with me.
It’s a lot to go through before I’ve had my morning tea.
Yet, the desire to fix myself is insatiable. I scour the internet for detoxifying cleanses, vitamin supplements and articles about breath work. I think to myself:
If I just take that supplement, then I will be cured. If I just do those breathing exercises, that will be the answer. If I can just erase all the stress from my life during a pandemic, then I’ll be healthy again.
ENOUGH.
I’ve been sick for over 3 months with Covid-19. The internet will tell you that this is far too long. The internet will also tell you that there is something wrong with those of us who are still battling this novel illness. I see articles that reference the Covid-19 long-haulers, which is the name that the media has given to those of us who have been sick for longer than the arbitrary 2-week maximum.
I have a major issue with being called a long-hauler. We are being viewed as some kind of medical mystery when the truth is, the entire virus is a medical mystery. I can easily go on a rant about how supremely ridiculous that is. Yet, I also fell for it. I have been treating my own body the same way the world is treating me.
Maybe there’s nothing wrong with being sick with Covid-19 for 3 months. In fact, when I take a look at my journey, I can’t imagine how my body would be anywhere else right now.
Here are the facts:
I spent all of April in bed, unable to breathe. My lips lost their coloring on a daily basis. My lungs expanded to twice their size. I was physically unable to talk to my friends on the phone. I had a fever for 10 days straight. And in May, it was a miracle if I got out of bed before 6pm. I got winded from taking out the trash. I suffered from full body chills and insomnia. The back of my lungs ached constantly.
When I look at the month of June, there have been vast improvements. I still cycle in and out of symptoms, but they are generally milder. The most pressing issue is my mindset. Somehow, I believe that I am supposed to just bounce back from the most serious illness that my body has ever encountered.
Well, I’m done buying into that narrative. My body needs me to be done. I often wonder what I would think about my current situation if the world validated how Covid-19 has no clear trajectory. I wonder what would happen if I saw what has taken place inside my body as a miracle instead of a problem.
I can’t promise that this is the end of my relationship with negative self-talk and unrealistic expectations, but I can promise that I am working on it. I come from a long line of people who were very hard on themselves and on each other. But, if there’s one thing I know about myself, it’s that I am a true cycle breaker.
It’s time for me to be proud of my body.
